Sincerely, Me.


Sometimes, I need a place to just release my inner thoughts without an awkward response or a look of judgement. Or maybe I need to write little reminders to myself that I've been through some shit in my life and need a reminder that I deserve to be happy too.
  
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I ask myself every morning if this is the day I’m going to allow myself to fall in love with love again.
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And I hate to say I love you
When it’s so hard for me
And I hate to say I want you
When you make it so clear
You don’t want me

I’d never ask you cause deep down
I’m certain I know what you’d say
You’d say I’m sorry believe me
I love you but not in that way

And I hate to say I need you
I’m so reliant
I’m so dependant
I’m such a fool

-Sam Smith “Not In That Way”
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Dear God,

I don’t ask for much, and I understand that eventually everyone needs to departure this world someday. But at this point….you’re letting him suffer. Knowing how much pain he is in but can’t express is just breaking me down inside. I’m sorry if this is a selfish act…but please don’t take him. One can not fully prepare themselves for death. No matter how much you know it is upon someone. I’m not ready. Nor do I ever think I will be. I’m not ready to see the mourning around me. I’m not ready to have family events without him. I’m not ready. Why are you making him suffer? Why is this happening all at once? I know I’m not supposed to ever question your actions. But sometimes in life…these things are needed.
God please don’t do this. My heart is so heavy knowing that this may be the end. He hasn’t experienced everything yet. I need him here.
I know not enough tears will give me what I want. But he needs a miracle. He needs healing. Please. :’(
Sincerely,
Me.